Maid Cafes

Capsule Hotels, horse sorbet, and crazy pornography are some of the weirder things I have encountered whilst living in Japan. However there is still a glaring gap in my chronicling of the oddities in this country; maid cafes. I had heard bits and pieces of information from several people and from what I could gather these cafes were Japan's answer to "Hooters"; a place where you could go and chill out with cheap food, whilst ogling provocatively dressed women. However, this being Japan, I guessed there would be an emphasis on the eccentricity of it all which would leave my jaw ajar and surely enough I was right. After some initial hesitance on my part, my roommate, who is well on his way to earning a gold membership, convinced me to come along.    

A maid cafe very similar to the one I attended.

Upon walking into my roommates favourite cafe, we were greeted by several petite women dressed up in what can only be described as maid costumes from some 1980's acid freak's fantasy. The excessively elaborate nature of these dresses with ribbons the size of small children made it difficult not to stare, but in hindsight starring is half the reason one goes into a maid cafe. The women at the door bowed low and in squeakingly high voices piped "welcome my master!". As I've previously mentioned; being called "Mister" is still somewhat of a novelty to me, so as you can imagine, being called master, albeit in Japanese, was quite bemusing. While my friend was welcomed back with open arms and celebration, me being the fledgling novice that I am, was promptly processed and issued with a shiny, new members card. We selected a maid from a menu card and were promptly shown to our seats.

A typical maid making the "Moe" sign with her hands.

Immediately after I sat down I scanned the room quickly to see what kind of patrons a maid cafe attracted. While I expected social lepers and sexual fiends the results were far more mixed than my initial guesses. Groups of young men, couples on dates, families of confused foreigners and of course the outright weird were sitting around enjoying themselves, whilst giggling maids frantically teetered to and fro, hurrying to do their masters bidding. It was all so surreal. I briefly made eye contact with another disorientated foreigner and we gave each other the unspoken look of mutual confusion that only outsiders in Japan can understand.

My facial expression for most of the trip.

Soon enough our maid arrived. It was a young women brimming with such intense sweetness I'm surprised she had a tooth left in her head. She humoured us; feigning interest in our personal lives whilst showing us the options on the menu. In addition to the food and drinks one could get things drawn on them with sauce. I of course got the latte with the caramel rabbit. After our food and drinks arrived I was informed that we would have to bless them first with the power of "Moe!". As far as I can tell "moe" roughly translates to all things sweet, cute and innocent. So under the diligent instruction of our maid, we made heart shapes with our hands and proceeded to bless the sugary treats in three places forming a triangle; "Moe! Moe! Kyun!". It was all so sickeningly sweet I almost vomited.

This what came up when I googled "Moe! Moe! Kyun!"...uhm...yea...

James, my roommate, explained that for an additional fee you could also play games with the maids. Whilst I didn't find the offer in the slightest bit tempting, I did look around to see if any of my peers were engaging in such indulgencies. I locked eyes on a hilaiously serious looking businessman playing "hungry hungry hippos" with his maid. Whilst his worn down, sullen features never moved accept for an occasional, monotone grunt, fortunately his adversary had enough emotions for the two of them. With squeaking groans and exaggerated gestures she fell back on her chair covering her eyes in disbelief at her masters innate skill at "hungry hungry hippos". I decided that I would have to settle for the sick twist of fate that meant my maid would never know of my hidden talent at kindergarten board games.

A Japanese "Salaryman" similar to the one I saw rocking out on "hungry hungry hippos".

Soon enough we finished our food and after a brief dancing performance by the maids and a rock, paper, scissors tournament (which my roommate won) we got ready to go. I took one last look at my surroundings. At the time I wasn't quite sure what to make of it all and I still don't know. On one hand it seems like a sad form of emotional prostitution where you go in and pay good looking girls in costume to treat you like a god, whilst at the same time it seems like a harmless novelty. It's not quite a fair comparison but I've been in strip clubs before and felt infinitely more comfortable. Every guy likes tits and ass and where you're in a strip club that's what you're there to see; tits and ass. There's no lying or feigned interest (at least not quite to the same extent) and everyone knows exactly where they stand. However when you're in a maid cafe, rather than paying girls to expose themselves to you, you're paying them to be nice to you, which I find much more sad. Don't get me wrong I'm not a fan of either but I guess I can just wrap my head around the idea of strip club much easier than I can a maid cafe. Regardless of this however, I certainly don't think there is anything inherently wrong or sinister about these cafes but let's just say, I doubt I'll be achieving my gold membership anytime soon.

I couldn't leave without getting a picture, but there was no way I was going to take it seriously.