Hopes and Fears

Hopes and fears...we all have them and in many ways are defined by them.  When you reflect on your own desires and anxieties you really are reflecting on what makes you tick. I can think back to my childhood and remember some of the fears that plagued me, and believe me, there we're many. In fact, when I think about it, I was essentially a blonde haired "Chuckie" from the Rugrats.

Me aged 10...with ginger hair.

Anyway, I digress. As I was saying, when I was a small child I had many fears. One in particular that stood out was my arachnophobia, or fear of spiders.  While the little fuckers made my skin crawl, I was absolutely obsessed with them. It gave me some sort of weird pleasure to pick up an encyclopedia of spiders and recoil in horror as I found the hairiest most venomous bastard of the bunch. While you may think this is weird, for many, fear is just a step away from obsession and in my case it's definitely true. Although my hopes and fears have progressed and changed as I've grown up, the close link between fear and fascination remains.

So today...about 10 days from departure (oh god!) what are my hopes and fears? Well, both can be easily answered in one word; attention. We all love attention (sorry if you're a hermit), at least, in a positive way. It validates us, and shows that people acknowledge our existence. I, for example, love positive attention...like many other people...obviously. Behind all the false modesty and phrases such as "oh stop, it's nothing really!" there is a ten year old saying "Yes!! I did the thing very well! Acknowledge it and say it to me again!".For the most part there is nothing wrong with this, apart from maybe an over reliance on the approval of others. But generally it's not a problem. Now, on the flip side of things, negative attention. This is something that literally gives me nightmares. I still have World War Two-esque flashbacks from performing a play as a child and completely freezing on stage. Feeling all the leering eyes falling upon me as panic begins to flood into my body...I start to pant, the relentless heat of the stage light burns my skin and a searingly quiet silence follows...Ugh! It sends shivers down my spine as I type. But despite this, I still crave attention...while fearing it at the same time. Really, I would love to pursue something like acting, more than anything, but I am petrified by fear at the same time. In a way, I'm happy that it is this way, because in order to achieve that ultimate happiness and satisfaction, I will have to confront my ultimate fear. It is my Everest....without trying to sound over-dramatic.

Now, at this point you may be thinking "Jesus Brendan, what does this have to do with your year in Japan?". Well I'm getting to that imaginary heckler, so please shut the fuck up and listen. It seems that by teaching with Project Trust I may have found a way to both confront my fear of attention while indulging in it at the same time. Teaching may not be the hardest job in the world but for me it is something that I enjoy while facing a personal demon. So in a way I am killing two birds with the one stone, sort of. However with a venture like this comes added risk. What will it do to my self esteem and confidence if all goes horribly wrong, I drop out and return home. I know these are the things that typically enter the head of someone just before a big journey but still, I have invested so much time and effort into this that I would truly be crushed if it goes terribly wrong. But, I suppose fear is an integral part of any adventure and one that I wouldn't omit of given the choice.

My Everest....doesn't look too bad does it?

Anyway, enough negativity for now. This will probably be my last post in Ireland so soon enough I can get down to the real purpose of this blog...documenting my year in Japan...and having the opportunity to rant overseas, that too.