Capsule Hotels, horse
sorbet, and crazy pornography are some of the weirder things I have encountered
whilst living in Japan. However there is still a glaring gap in my chronicling
of the oddities in this country; maid cafes. I had heard bits and pieces of
information from several people and from what I could gather these cafes were
Japan's answer to "Hooters"; a place where you could go and chill out
with cheap food, whilst ogling provocatively dressed women. However, this being
Japan, I guessed there would be an emphasis on the eccentricity of it all which
would leave my jaw ajar and surely enough I was right. After some initial
hesitance on my part, my roommate, who is well on his way to earning a gold
membership, convinced me to come along.
A maid cafe very similar to the one I attended.
Upon walking into my
roommates favourite cafe, we were greeted by several petite women dressed up in
what can only be described as maid costumes from some 1980's acid freak's
fantasy. The excessively elaborate nature of these dresses with ribbons the
size of small children made it difficult not to stare, but in hindsight
starring is half the reason one goes into a maid cafe. The women at the door
bowed low and in squeakingly high voices piped "welcome my master!".
As I've previously mentioned; being called "Mister" is still somewhat of a novelty to me, so as you can
imagine, being called master, albeit
in Japanese, was quite bemusing. While my friend was welcomed back with open
arms and celebration, me being the fledgling novice that I am, was promptly
processed and issued with a shiny, new members card. We selected a maid from a
menu card and were promptly shown to our seats.
A typical maid making the "Moe" sign with her hands.
Immediately after I
sat down I scanned the room quickly to see what kind of patrons a maid cafe
attracted. While I expected social lepers and sexual fiends the results were
far more mixed than my initial guesses. Groups of young men, couples on dates,
families of confused foreigners and of course the outright weird were sitting
around enjoying themselves, whilst giggling maids frantically teetered to and
fro, hurrying to do their masters bidding. It was all so surreal. I briefly
made eye contact with another disorientated foreigner and we gave each other
the unspoken look of mutual confusion that only outsiders in Japan can
understand.
My facial expression for most of the trip.
Soon enough our maid
arrived. It was a young women brimming with such intense sweetness I'm
surprised she had a tooth left in her head. She humoured us; feigning interest
in our personal lives whilst showing us the options on the menu. In addition to
the food and drinks one could get things drawn on them with sauce. I of course
got the latte with the caramel rabbit. After our food and drinks arrived I was
informed that we would have to bless them first with the power of "Moe!".
As far as I can tell "moe" roughly translates to all things sweet, cute
and innocent. So under the diligent instruction of our maid, we made heart
shapes with our hands and proceeded to bless the sugary treats in three places
forming a triangle; "Moe! Moe! Kyun!". It was all so sickeningly sweet I almost vomited.
This what came up when I googled "Moe! Moe! Kyun!"...uhm...yea...
James, my roommate,
explained that for an additional fee you could also play games with the maids.
Whilst I didn't find the offer in the slightest bit tempting, I did look around
to see if any of my peers were engaging in such indulgencies. I locked eyes on
a hilaiously serious looking businessman playing "hungry hungry
hippos" with his maid. Whilst his worn down, sullen features never moved
accept for an occasional, monotone grunt, fortunately his adversary had enough
emotions for the two of them. With squeaking groans and exaggerated gestures
she fell back on her chair covering her eyes in disbelief at her masters innate
skill at "hungry hungry hippos". I decided that I would have to
settle for the sick twist of fate that meant my maid would never know of my
hidden talent at kindergarten board games.
A Japanese "Salaryman" similar to the one I saw rocking out on "hungry hungry hippos".
Soon enough we
finished our food and after a brief dancing performance by the maids and a
rock, paper, scissors tournament (which my roommate won) we got ready to go. I
took one last look at my surroundings. At the time I wasn't quite sure what to
make of it all and I still don't know. On one hand it seems like a sad form of
emotional prostitution where you go in and pay good looking girls in costume to
treat you like a god, whilst at the same time it seems like a harmless novelty.
It's not quite a fair comparison but I've been in strip clubs before and felt
infinitely more comfortable. Every guy likes tits and ass and where you're in a
strip club that's what you're there to see; tits and ass. There's no lying or
feigned interest (at least not quite to the same extent) and everyone knows
exactly where they stand. However when you're in a maid cafe, rather than
paying girls to expose themselves to you, you're paying them to be nice to you,
which I find much more sad. Don't get me wrong I'm not a fan of either but I
guess I can just wrap my head around the idea of strip club much easier than I
can a maid cafe. Regardless of this however, I certainly don't think there is
anything inherently wrong or sinister about these cafes but let's just say, I
doubt I'll be achieving my gold membership anytime soon.
I couldn't leave without getting a picture, but there was no way I was going to take it seriously.
